Emotional Violence

Keeping our emotions suppressed and trapped inside our body  

I see monsters exist inside of human beings.  I first started seeing this monster inside of me.  This creature would show up right when I was about to achieve my goal.  I would literally be on the 1 foot yard line and somehow fumble  the ball away instead of punching it in for a touchdown.   In the back of my mind, I was thinking, that somehow, maybe I didn’t deserve this happiness.  Was I was purposely subconsciously sabotaging my success?

Throughout my entire life,  I have noticed this sabotaging pattern within many human beings. Until recently, I couldn’t find the words to describe my E-Motions.  Thanks to recent work done by Eckhart Tolle, author of the “Power of Now” and “The New Earth”, I am able to fully explain what I’ve been experiencing.

“There is an unseen force that causes us to unconsciously seek pain over and over again. Of course no one would do this consciously. No one likes to suffer. And yet we unconsciously create repetitive and unnecessary conflicts.  These self-destructive habit patterns are known as the Pain Body.”  

The best way to understand this process is to revisit THE MATRIX and remember how “THE AGENT” would take over and possess anyone who was asleep inside the matrix.  I was  so captivated by the special effects and exhilarated by the fight scenes and violence that I  overlooked the true metaphor the authors were conveying.  Instead of using their hands or weapons as a tool for violence, the AGENTs of the real word,  are much more effective In causing mayhem by using language!  However, these so-called Agents only have access to our bodies if you have unresolved suppressed emotions living inside our bodies.

I began to see a correlation between my personality disorder and my unresolved childhood trauma.  As a child, I can remember my mother taking her frustrations out on me for the most trivial events.  For example I was awaken out of my bed at 3am because I didn’t clean the (1) fork that was left in the sink.  My mother was screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs like I had just I had set the house on fire.  That’s just one of many examples where I would scratch my head and ask myself “Is this what they call love because this shit is crazy”.  It wasn’t until very recently that I asked my mother had she been sexual molested.  She openly confessed for the FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE that she has had reoccurring dreams of being molested as a child.   Finally an explanation that described this Jekyll and Hyde persona.  My mother had never resolved her childhood trauma so unfortunately, this injury was passed on to me.  She suppressed it, she ignored it, and she allowed it to grow.  From Slavery, from oppression, and from our parents, we continue to absorb pain from the past.   I guess that’s how we pass along our sins to our children.  My #1 goal in life is to make sure this doesn’t get passed along to my son.

But this behavior didn’t stop with my mother.  I would see it in women who I have dated, women who are friends, wives of my friends, etc.  This behavior became quite common within my environment.  In fact, when I would explain my experiences with my friends they would tell me “Michael get with the program, this is normal.  Weather they were rich, poor, white, black, ghetto, independent they all exhibited the same petty, cheap, non-trusting, possessive, controlling, delusional, entitled, defensive, projecting behavior.  The pattern was so consistent that it appeared to have a consciousness like “The Agent” from the Matrix that had the ability to teleport it’s consciousness to any human connected to the Matrix.  I was only able to recognize this pattern in others because I was able to recognize the pattern in myself.

“Prior to influx of negative thinking, a wave of emotions invades your mind as either a dark heavy mood, anxiety, or anger. The pain body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on.  Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, or you want to suffer pain, or both. There isn’t really much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this, of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will see that your thinking and behavior are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others.”